TLDR: CHAOS. Utter. Chaos.
Is that a picture of all of the referees in the box?!
Why, yes it is.
In our fundraiser bouts, the rules of derby are a bit different. Normal game play penalties still apply (safety first of course!) but audience members have the opportunity to pay to add additional rules or to change game play. Also, to optimize the most fun, each jam is a full 2 minutes, which means no lead jammers and no calling off jams.
As the Salty jammer, What the Pho?, lines up on the jammer line, she is joined by Sweet’s Strawberry BB dawning a Banana suit (A strawberry banana combo!). As fans might remember from last year, a touch from the banana forces that skater to spin off the track. Ultimately, as a jammer with this “Mario Star Power”, no one can get in Strawberry BB’s way and she was free to race around the track! But what’s this? Out of no where, the whistle for lead jammer is heard, and while everyone is confused, What the Pho? calls off the jam after passing the opposing blockers. Oops! Both jammer and jammer ref were too used to the “normal” bout rules!
Props to skater, Angelica Della Morte (Haterade), who hand-made many of the costumes featured in this bout!
Next onto the track, a new fundraiser favorite: the Chicken and Waffles! Here we have two jammers for each team, one with a chicken helmet cover and the other in a waffle suit, who must remain linked for the whole jam. In addition, team Salty gets an added blocker. A Bacon blocker. That makes 13 skaters on the track at once! That’s a lot of bodies! And in all of this mayhem, the first penalty of the night is called: Failure to hold hands!
Thanks to some low Giant Fuzzy Dice roles from our coaches, only two blockers from each team get to join their jammers on the track! What a difference from the previous jam! One Salty blocker swaps places with our referee, JustaBill, and with Salteeny starting in the box, Bill finds himself all by himself! Assumed to be easy pickings, Addie Cakes goes to make a gentle shove against Bill, but Bill stands strong and Addie ends up on the ground and with a big smile on her face! She didn’t expect that! Way to go Bill!
Strawberry BB is out again as the jamming banana ready to tear it up, but she soon finds herself sent to the box for a Failure to Dance during the designated song. On re-entry, she approaches the pack somewhat hesitantly, and then, starts dancing. Everyone follows her lead and dances too. As the blockers are distracted, she dashes through before anyone can realize that Robot Pancake isn’t actually playing! What a move!
As the next jam lines up, an official review is called. It turns out that none of the referees were dancing during the previous jam, and so they are all sent to the box!
Anything goes for 30 seconds!
At the blow of the whistle, What the Pho? takes full advantage, cutting the track wide to get around the Sweet blockers. Lucky Harms catches on and starts cutting the apex. Meanwhile, there is no pack, there’s a Pickle racing around the track, Sweet blockers are skating hand in hand. Everyone seems to be enjoying an Adult Open Skate session! Eventually, the referees are let out of the box and derby resumes. My question: without any jammer refs, did anyone make any points?
Speaking of points, by halftime, it is 96 to 56 with team Sweet holding the lead, in case you were wondering.
But more importantly, during the half, Strawberry BB and Salty B throw down in a Sweet and Salty Dance-Off and it is the BEST. THING. EVER.
BB has certainly got skill and grace with a beautiful twirling intro and the ability to on-skates twerk, but it’s hard to beat a sultry, fan-waving Hotdog who starts rolling around the ground like she’s on a gas station conveyor belt! With an audience cheer consensus, Salty B wins her team an additional 40 points.
Early into the second half, its a jammer ref rivalry between JustaBill and Maul E. Weasley… as jammers! Both of them really get into and even attempt some jammer on jammer action as they round the apex! However, in the heat of it all, both of them are caught on a Failure to Dance penalty at the same time and end their jam in the box!
Next it’s the UnRaveler’s turn to swap with a Sweet blocker. She does a great job keeping up with a very fast moving pack, but Cup Quack is equally as good at calling penalties and sends the UnRaveler to the box for a cut track!
The banana is back, but this time, its our referee R-Pod who is granted the ultimate power, and he certainly takes full advantage of it giving Strawberry BB a taste of her own medicine. SO SALTY.
As we near the end of the second half, team Salty aims whips out some strategy with a capital S. What the Pho? pairs up with Salty’s Wheat Thick who, as the banana, repeatedly disrupts the Sweet blocker line at just the right moment time to allow What the Pho? through for an unchallenged 32 point jam! This is followed by another 19 unchallenged points from team Salty’s Anita Burrito as the banana jammer while Ice Queen Slam-Witch from team Salty has a new touch rule. When touched by Ice Queen, the opposing team must bow thee times I’m-not-worthy style before her (like the Queen she is)! Not only this, but team Sweet’s pivot has to pull the jammer truck and trailer style (ie. holding on their their hips in a train)!
Team Sweet says, “Enough of this!” and sends out Red Bully to race around the track for team Sweet as Cup Quake clears her path, using the same technique as Wheat Thick. It works like a charm for an unchallenged 20 points.
In the final game of the night, we get one last BB Banana. However, this time, a touch from her means the opposing skaters must do a burpee! So while everyone is exhausted, team Salty is getting one final workout! Brutal!
And in the end, everyone is a winner with a final tied score of 259 to 259 (thanks to a generous donation)!
Bout MVPS: Referees R-Pod, UnRaveler, Maul E Weasly, and JustaBill! All photo creds to Anthony Floyd Photography.
